Swift paws Remorse
by Ninth-Raven
Summary: Swift paw survives the dog attack. He is left with the crippling guilt and anxiety that has haunted him ever since that very day. Swift paw must learn to live with the demons of his past or be swallowed by the darkness. /Dark themes (including PTSD) in this book; read at your own risk/
1. Ch 1: Questions

**Chapter 1**

 _"Swiftpaw..."_

 _'Swiiiftpaw..."_

Even though he knew the dogs weren't there yet, he could still feel them breathing down his neck: hot, slimy breath above him, mouths dripping drool on his fur. They were going to find him again. He would not let that happen, so he ran. Swiftpaw could feel their hot breath down his back, but he knew they were not there. Yet, he could still hear the loud echoing of paws as they got closer.

 _"Swiiiftpaw..."_

The voice got louder and louder, as did the scent and sounds of the dogs. He kept chanting in his head. _Just run. Keep running. Ignore it. Just run._

 _"Swiiiiftpaw..."_

His entire body braced, waiting for the razor-sharp teeth to plunge into his neck, to tear him to bits.

"Swiftpaw!" His amber eyes shot open, and his breathing was ragged, as if he had just run a long distance. He knew they weren't real, that they were just nightmares. He always knew, of course, yet he couldn't help feel terrified after he woke up. It was a daily occurrence a few days after the battle - no. Not battle. Ever since he messed up. Ever since he made the biggest mistake of his life.

"Swiftpaw?"

That voice again. He looked up and flinched. _Brightpaw._ He still hadn't gotten used to her face, or at least that fact that _he_ was the one that did it to her, but he had never seen it like this. All the fur around her eye was ripped off, the eye closed shut - he could only assume she had lost it. The scar tissue was now pink and shiny; she had left the medicine den a moon ago, and for that whole moon he had refused to do anything, refused to look at her. He knew from gossip and from the first few days of his healing that he had done something bad to her - something that would change her forever - but not something like this. Brightpaw obviously noticed him flinch and looked apprehensive.

"Uhm... hey, Swiftpaw." Her eye did not meet his. "I just wanted to wake you up and tell you that all the morning patrols have gone." Swiftpaw sneaked a glance behind her and noticed that the sun was high in the sky, and the camp seemed to be fairly empty besides the sounds of kits playing outside the nursery. Usually, one of the other apprentices would have taken the opportunity of him sleeping in to play a joke on him, perhaps to put a burr in his nest - and since when did he sleep in?

Swiftpaw worded his next response carefully, and he felt as if he was treading on eggshells. "Would you like to go hunting with me, Brightpaw?"

A distressed look feel upon Brightpaw's face. "Swiftpaw!" She hissed discreetly, her eyes darting back and forth and then meeting Swiftpaw's. "It's Lostface now. Please." Her head turned in the direction of the elder's den, and he could see One-Eye, Smallear, and Dappletail all gathered near a particularly sunny patch of grass talking to Bluestar. Swiftpaw had overheard talk of Brightpaw's new name fly through camp a few days earlier, and he remembered his fur practically bristling with anger when he heard it for the first time. _Lostface._

"I refuse to call you that disgusting name."

"Alright, alright. But _please_ don't call me that when we're with another cat. It just makes things harder for me to accept." A pang of guilt swept through Swiftpaw's body. "Besides," she continued, "you're in enough trouble already, not being able to become a warrior." Why did she have to remind him? It had hit him like a storm when Bluestar told Swiftpaw that he would never be able to be a warrior; after all, that was the only reason they went to fight the dogs in the first place. He vaguely remembered complaining about it to the other apprentices before he had started having the nightmares - he also remembered Fernpaw and Ashpaw's reply,

 _"You know, Swiftpaw, it's for the best. I mean, it_ was _a little reckless, going off to fight dogs..." Fernpaw's voice was quiet, but it echoed throughout the apprentice's den like thunder._

 _"Yeah, honestly, Swiftpaw," Ashpaw added on "I'm glad I didn't go with you. I would've probably ended up with a huge scar just like Lostface-"_

 _"Don't call her that ugly name!" Swiftpaw hissed. He had the sudden strong urge to rip both of them to shreds, until they felt how he felt. Did they not understand his incredible remorse and regret? He had half a mind to say, "Oh yeah, I was about to go and fight the dogs again, thank you for telling me how bad of an idea it was; how much I messed up!"_

 _Ashpaw's expression was one of mild annoyance, as if someone had taken his favorite prey from the fresh-kill pile. "Calm down Swiftpaw, it was just a joke. Besides, we have to use that name. Bluestar caught Cloudtail complaining about it, said she had half a mind to change his name too!"_

The scene in his head faded out, and he met Brightpaw's blue eyes once more. "So, would you like to go hunting with me?" The words felt tasteless in his mouth, and suddenly the prospect of hunting with Brightpaw made him feel sick.

Brightpaw's expression was now one of pity, and she smiled sadly. "Sorry, Swiftpaw, but I already promised Cloudtail that I'd go hunting with him." Brightpaw noticed Swiftpaw's let-down expression, one that he himself didn't notice he was making. She quickly said, "I'm sorry, Swiftpaw, I really am. Maybe we can go tomorrow, if I don't have patrols or training." Swiftpaw knew that she probably wouldn't have time tomorrow, but it made him feel a bit more happy that Brightpaw wasn't completely shutting him out like most of the clan was.

Swiftpaw lingered at the entrance to the apprentice's den, watching as Brightpaw walked off. He wished she'd look back, but she didn't. He felt inspired to actually do something helpful for his clan today, instead of sitting around in his nest, moping. His first impression upon stepping outside of the apprentice's den was that everything seemed strangely normal. He expected the world to look like it was crumbling around him, just like it felt it was, however, nothing had changed. The elders were now talking amongst themselves; Bluestar was nowhere to be seen. There were a few scattered cats eating and grooming themselves and - _Longtail._

If there was one person in the whole clan whom Swiftpaw knew would understand him, it was Longtail. His mentor who had fought tooth and claw for his promotion, his mentor whom he had not spoken face-to-face to since the day of the battle. He approached his old friend and mentor with hesitation - what was he so scared of? As Swiftpaw neared his mentor he saw how tired his mentor looked. His fur was matted and his back was slumped, what had Longtail been doing for the past moon? Suddenly, the light brown tabby's green eyes met his and Longtail ran towards him.

"Swiftpaw! It's so good to - been waiting so long - finally out of the den-" His mentor's babbling slowly came to an end. "We have to go hunting - not much has happened -" He couldn't remember a moment in the past moon when he felt more happy, more at home, than when his mentor embraced him. If only he had left the apprentice's den sooner.

His mentor pulled out of the hug, catching his breath. "Where in the world do I start?"

Swiftpaw simply gave Longtail a sly smirk and said, "Well, why don't you start at the beginning?"

Swiftpaw's yellow eyes gleamed in the strong sunlight that was shining through the leaves. Mentor and apprentice walked side by side.

"Why'd Bluestar change Brightpaw's name?"

"Mmm?" Longtail answered, his gaze focused up ahead, his voice feigning boredom.

"Don't pretend like you didn't hear what I said."

His mentor sighed. "You're a lot like me Swiftpaw. Reckless and stubborn. Not a people-pleaser." The look on Longtail's face was a more nostalgic one, and it seemed as if he was remembering his own days as an apprentice.

"Yeah, so what?"

"So Bluestar's gone crazy!" Longtail's temper was on the rise but he took a deep breath, and then focused his gaze on Swiftpaw's. "She's been doing a lot of mad things lately. She's got no sense left in her mind, something's not right with her. You have to understand that." Swiftpaw only narrowed his eyes, but didn't speak.

"The reason I say this is because I know that you're going to confront her. Things aren't going to end up well for you, you're only gonna start more trouble."

"I think I want to wait and hear her reasoning before I make any promises." Longtail gave a sigh of defeat.

"Alright. We should sit down first." His tail motioned toward a large oak tree just up ahead. Swiftpaw merely nodded his head in acknowledgement and they both lay down in the shade, sinking into the grass below them. Swiftpaw didn't know how much he missed the feeling of soft grass settling under his fur until he experienced it for the first time after long days huddled up in his nest.

"The day when you two came back, Bluestar went to visit Brightpaw. We all thought she was going to die, Cloudtail was devastated - wanted her to become a warrior, you see. Apparently Bluestar thought the dogs were sent to punish her." Longtail seemed to hesitate on the next words. "So, she changed her name to Lostface so Starclan would feel guilty."

There was a pregnant pause as Swiftpaw deciphered what Longtail had just said, his yellow eyes flickering back and forth.

"Who told you this?"

"Cinderpelt-"

"And she did nothing to stop it?"

"A leader's word is law, you should know, Swiftpaw, or did you forget?."

"She's using Brightpaw in her own made-up battle, that's not right! Somebody has to stop her."

"Cinderpelt has been very kind to you, she talked to Bluestar and told her to give you some time to recover, that's why Bluestar has allowed you to stay in your den for so long."

Swiftpaw blinked. Had the grey she-cat really talked Swiftpaw out of his duties?

"I just remembered!" Longtail said suddenly. "Cinderpelt wanted you to talk to her after you decided to come out. Seems like forgetfulness is another thing we have in common."

"I'd like to talk to her now, if you don't mind."

"I think she'd like that too." Longtail said, standing up and stretching. "But we have to go hunting sometime, gotta make sure you aren't too rusty on your hunting!"

Swiftpaw smirked playfully. "Sure, old man."

"Wha- oh come on! Don't forget that I'm the mentor here! I'll have you cleaning out One-Eye's ticks 'till the end of time!"

End of Chapter 1


	2. Ch 2: Realizations

**Chapter 2**

The pungent smell of herbs drifted into his nostrils. Forever serving as a reminder of horrible times, and he _hated_ it. He hated that he hated it. He started to smell the fresh blood and bile rose in his throat.

"Oh - oh my goodness, Swiftpaw!"

He turned his head to meet with the pale-blue eyes of Cinderpelt. Only now did he realise how similar they were to Brightpaw's.

"Here you are, just when I'm starting to think that you'd never leave."

"I talked to Longtail a bit first, he sent me here."

"Oh, good, next time you see him tell him I said thanks."

"Yeah, listen, can we talk? Preferably somewhere secluded?" Swiftpaw was not ready to come face to face with the rest of his clan, not until he felt confident that he knew everything.

"I was about to ask you the same thing!" She turned around as best as she could with three legs and motioned to Swiftpaw with her tail. "We can't stay long though. I promised Bluestar a few things and the elders are starting to complain about itching." An amused expression was painted on her face.

"Sounds good enough for me." As long as he asked what he needed to ask, any amount of time was fine.

They left camp in silence.

It was going to rain. The air had a misty smell about it, and the clouds above them were thick and grey. He could tell that Cinderpelt sensed this too, because they didn't stray far from camp.

"I'm sure you have many questions. Ask away."

"Alright." Swiftpaw murmured. In camp he was about ready to explode with curiosity, but now he felt like all the questions in his head were rising into his throat, but he didn't know which one to ask.

"Longtail - he said that you took me off my apprentice duties?" Swiftpaw managed to choke out. That was a start.

"Oh, yes. I talked to Bluestar and got her to relieve you of your apprentice duties until you were ready." For a moment her eyes searched the ground, as if she was carefully planning her next words. "I said that you needed time to heal, and she agreed."

"Just like that?" Swiftpaw asked incredulously. If Bluestar was so quick to change Brightpaw's name and sentence him to apprenticeship forever, how did she agree to letting him lazy around all day at the drop of a tail?

"Yes."

Cinderpelt was a terrible liar.

"Very well." He said, frowning, but trying not to look too suspicious. Was there anyone he could trust anymore?

"My next question is going to be a bit… odd…" Curiosity and hesitation were reflected in Cinderpelt's eyes, but she didn't speak. Swiftpaw took this as a sign to go ahead.

"What's going on with Bluestar?" The curiosity was gone and it was only hesitation and perhaps defeat. "I knew that cats were going to start asking this question, especially after the situation with... Lostface." Though her expression looked worried, she spoke as if she was getting a heavy load off of her chest. "Ever since Tigerstar was banished, she was never able to trust anyone. I received a sign from Starclan on that day as well. She's a bit unstable, but she'll recover soon enough."

Swiftpaw knew that she knew more, but didn't push it. It started to rain, and the sound of water hitting leaves filled the silence.

"What do I look like?" Swiftpaw had no idea where that question came from. _What did he look like? Broken. Tired._ But curiosity had the upper hand on him. Cinderpelt's eyes merely drifted towards a puddle near them. The expression in her face was unreadable.

The water was broken multiple times by the droplets of rain coming down. At first, he could only make out his pale amber eyes, then, the silhouette of a black and white cat. _What are you scared of?_ The voice inside his head told him. _Just hold your damn breath and accept it._

So, he did.

Two pale scars ran across the bridge of his muzzle. One more, across his mouth. Half of his right ear, ripped off. _There's more there's more._ Two long scars split the fur behind his shoulder. _There's more there's more._ Behind his left paw, a chunk of fur ripped off. His right hind leg, three more streaks of pink.

Suddenly, he looked up to meet the blue eyes of Brightpaw. " _Snakerocks, we're at snakerocks Brightpaw."_ His voice was heard but not felt. Brightpaw's eyes were filled with worry.

" _Do we have to do this?"_ Swiftpaw heard the growling of the dog, and he only grew in confidence. " _It's too late to question this, Brightpaw."_ Suddenly, with a strength he didn't know he possessed, he lept forward. A pair of sharp yellow eyes gleamed in the darkness of the cave. Then another one, and another one. Swiftpaw froze where he stood.

 _No. Not again._ He didn't know what to do so he ran. He ran as fast as he could and as far away as possible. He ran until it hurt to run. Swiftpaw didn't think he could fight again, he genuinely thought he would shatter if he lifted a claw in defense. If he tried, he wouldn't make it out alive again. _I'm not strong enough._

Swiftpaw's breath came in sharp gasps as he approached the entrance of Thunderclan camp.

"Hey Swiftpaw!"

He turned too quickly, and sharp yellow eyes pierced his gaze - the same ones from the cave at snakerocks. Then his vision cleared. It wasn't the dogs, it was Darkstripe, the cranky black tabby warrior.

"Great Starclan Longtail," started Darkstripe in an incredibly snarky tone, "do you have the decency to tell your apprentice to stop staring at me like I'm a badger?"

"How did your meeting with Cinderpelt go?" Asked Longtail, choosing to ignore Darkstripe's comment.

"Fine." _Terrible._ Longtail knew this too and he trailed his apprentice after the rest of his patrol went back to camp.

"What happened?" Swiftpaw had not moved from the spot when he first stopped running from the dogs. A chill swept through Swiftpaw and he shivered. "The dogs. They came back." Longtail's expression was one of panicked fear. "What?! When? Is anyone hurt? Is Cinderpelt hurt?"

Swiftpaw shook his head. "No. I don't think they were actually there. I saw them though, I was with Brightpaw, before she was - you know…" Longtail looked completely and utterly confused.

"So… you saw the dogs, but they weren't actually there?"

"Yep."

"And is Cinderpelt ok?"

"Yep."

Longtail sighed. "Swiftpaw. One on one chat. Not as mentor and apprentice, but as friends."

Swiftpaw dipped his head. His ment- friend was patient with him. He would be patient too. "Listen." Longtail said, with genuine concern in his voice. "I think you should keep talking with Cinderpelt - especially about these dreams - _especially_ about the one you just had."

Swiftpaw felt a heavy weight in his chest. For the past moon he had been trying to hold on to whatever shred of dignity he had left. He was strong. He didn't need help.

Longtail simply watched as Swiftpaw walked away, the expression on his face unreadable.

That night he dreamt about the dogs again.

 **End of Chapter 2.**


	3. Ch 3: Plans

**Chapter 3**

Nightmares plagued Swiftpaw's mind. He could remember only flashes: dogs chasing/gaping jowls/the ground blurring under his paws as he tried to run. Sometimes, in the darkness of his den he swore he could see a glint of a white tooth, a glimmer of a yellow eye. (add more)As confusing as his thoughts were, one thing was certain: he was no longer safe. Not even in his sleep, which used to be a safe haven for him when he was a young apprentice and needed a recharge after a long and tiring day.

Swiftpaw didn't know how many days had passed since he'd denied Longtail's help, but he did know that there was one thing he needed to do. That was to find out what was going on with Bluestar.

Cinderpelt may have tried to hide their leader's mental state, but Swiftpaw would find out what was truly happening. He had no idea why he was so set on finding out, but something about it kept him grounded in reality, like he still had a purpose; a role to fill in the clan.

His first idea to get information was to straight up demand it from either Cinderpelt or Bluestar, but then he realized how reckless, so he put it in the back of his mind as a last resort, in case nothing else worked. His second idea was to try and worm the topic into a conversation with Cinderpelt, but he knew she was too smart and alert around him. There was no way that would work either.

His third idea, and perhaps the most logical one, was to go with the flow. If he could ever had a chance to get information, he'd take it. He also decided that it was in his best interests to get closer to Cinderpelt so he could get on her good side. Maybe she wouldn't be so secretive and suspicious then.

For some reason Swiftpaw felt as if dealing with Bluestar was his own personal responsibility, as if every bad action she took against the clan was a claw mark on Swiftpaw's own dignity.

The only problem with all of these plans were that to put them into action he'd actually have to leave his den. Strangely, nobody had tried to bother him - with the exception of Ashpaw, of course, who enjoyed rubbing his misfortunes in his face at every turn. Frankly, he was getting tired of it.

Swiftpaw's eyes squinted at the bright, burning sun. His stomach growled but he ignored the temptation of grabbing a mouse from the fresh-kill pile. More important things lay ahead for him. He headed towards the medicine den, flickering gazes following him on his walk. Swiftpaw ignored them, but he couldn't help but feel like some sort of freak show.

"Cinderpelt!"

His voice bounced off the walls of the cave. Nothing came back. Swiftpaw was about to call for her one more time when he turned around and found himself face-to-face with Ashpaw.

"Starclan's sakes!" Swiftpaw flinched, taking a few steps back, "You scared me half to death!"

Ashpaw gave what seemed to be an attempt at a shrug. "I wasn't even that quiet, it's your problem if you can't hear straight." Ashpaw's attention was quickly diverted from Swiftpaw, and he scanned the walls of the cave, not making eye contact with Swiftpaw. Cloudtail had appeared from behind Ashpaw, his white fur in contrast with the dark walls of the medicine cat den. He offered nothing more than a quick gaze to acknowledge Swiftpaw's presence.

"What're you here for anyway?" Swiftpaw flicked an ear in annoyance, turning his attention back to Ashpaw. If the cat was going to talk to him he might as well make damn eye contact with him.

"It really should be none of your business, but if you must know I'm going to talk to Cinderpelt." Ashpaw's ears seemed to perk up at this comment.

"So, it is true then! You've been having strange crazy dreams about the Dark Forest!"

It was the most preposterous thing Swiftpaw had ever heard, and he had to make sure that Ashpaw wasn't correct in the assumption that he had bad hearing. Cloudtail still wasn't looking at either of the two cats, but his interest had certainly been piqued.

"What-" Swiftpaw was lost for words. What was he supposed to say?

"Hah! You don't deny it then!" Ashpaw had a smug look on his face, as if he had just proved something.

"That's ridiculous! Cloudtail, back me up here." But Cloudtail's blue eyes revealed nothing but a clear hatred for Swiftpaw. He didn't dare drop the white tom's gaze.

"I hear the things you say in your sleep when I pass by your den for patrols. I don't know how Bluestar lets you lazy around all day in your den." Cloudtail turned his angry gaze from Swiftpaw. "We're going to be fighting the dogs soon. And while the clan is out there risking their lives I can guess where you'll be."

The white tom briskly turned, making his way out of the den. "Come on, Ashpaw. Cinderpelt can check it later. It's just a tiny scratch anyways." Cloudtail's voice was one of annoyance, and Swiftpaw doubted that Ashpaw would even dare to try and throw any snide remarks Cloudtail's way.

"Fine. Sure. Whatever." The grey apprentice quickly followed suit.

 _Great. Another thing to add to the list of reasons to never speak to the rest of Thunderclan ever again._ However, there was one thing Cloudtail had said that Swiftpaw had not been expecting. _They're going to fight the dogs?_ He had expected at least either Longtail or Cinderpelt to mention something about an attack. _Then again, it's not like Cinderpelt's been fairly open these past few days._ But, surely, Bluestar would want as many cats in the battle as possible? Surely, they'd want to start training him for battle? _Again, tying back to the whole "letting me off my duties" thing._

Swiftpaw sighed. Another thing to add to the ever-growing list of Thunderclan mysteries. He was determined to get to the bottom of this.


End file.
